Re-visioning

For as long as I can remember I've done some kind of craft work. When I was little I loved to draw and paint. I used this as my main form of communication because I was virtually mute for the first 6 years of my life. I was so traumatized I rarely spoke. But a kind gentle teacher encouraged me to draw and read. It was through these activities that I found my voice. Most people who know me might find this surprising.

Lately, I've been going through a different kind of trauma. My self-confidence and esteem has been rocked from being long term unemployed. As of now I'm trying to find creative productive ways to deal with this. I have my moments. Early this week I thought I was going to lose my mind.

As I was writing this I realized that my craft work is something I rely on and do automatically to give me solace. Knitting, crocheting is a form of tactile kinetic meditation. It's very much like the walking meditation I do as part of my daily work out. This is so important too me but I want and need to take my creativity to another level.

I miss painting. Today, I looked at one of my old paintings and admired the contrast in texture and color on the surface of the campus. I had a momentary spark of inspiration and wondered Why? When am I going to start painting again?

Re-visioning creativity in new forms. Going back to another craft skill genre that I used to work with. Presently, because of my financial situation, lack of studio space and I have a huge yarn stash , I haven't been inspired to paint.

However, I'm working towards finding a way to create an environment where I can get back to painting. I think this will be an important step in my healing from this difficult time. I had a dream the other night. I could clearly see my former lover's face and feel his kiss on my mouth; his blue eyes shone brightly into my soul. But then I woke up! This was a sweet scene in a dream a moment in the past revisited.

Too me this is a metaphor that I can give myself the grace but continue on the path of healing.to realize and create something new.